Sleep and Fantasy

Usually when I stay up late, I am fantasizing. I am reading a book, watching a movie, playing a video game. I am taking myself into a different reality. Before I fantasize, I feel like I want to fantasize. I feel like I deserve it, "after a long day." Fantasizing is changing my reality into something which I like more, which feels better. Which implies that there's something about "real reality" that I really don't like. Perhaps, I don't like being me, being myself, because I feel that there's something wrong with me. In fact, I know that this is true. So, it's very nice for me to be in another reality. If I felt better about myself, I might not want to fantasize so much; and, if I fantasized at other times, I might not feel such a strong need to fantasize late at night. Late at night is a wonderful time for fantasy, because it already has fantastic, "otherworldly" qualities. It is the time when the "normal day" sleeps; so, it is conducive to fantasy, invites fantasy. The darkness hides normal work-a-day living.... It also seems that, in some ways, it's the only time left over to fantasize, especially when I have the "work first, then play" attitude.

Fantasy and imagination are also a wonderful thing, in and of themselves. They are an exploration of self, other, and context; i.e., everything. A way of inviting and testing ideas, feelings, experiences, especially those ideas which are "outside" reality. This an incredible force for innovation, evolution, growth. It feels wonderful (often, or at least it can: freeing, exciting, liberating, beautiful, etc.) It's a necessary, healthy aspect of being human, directly supports a release from human reality, suffering, bondage . . . . Religion as fantasy: of course.

And, I need to go to sleep earlier. In this case, I feel and think that the benefits of sleep outweigh the benefits of fantasy. That is very clear to me. I also want to support my effort to sleep earlier by encouraging my own self acceptance, love . . . and allowing myself to fantasize--recognizing the inherent validity as well as the goodness and raw pleasure which I get from being outside the real.

Self's View of the Self

I’ve been trying to understand this about me. There’s this idea I was talking about, where people develop a powerful, mostly-hidden-from-awareness, emotional sense that they are crap. I mean, really crap: fundamentally and seriously flawed beyond hope.

I’m sure that I have these things inside me, and that they’re frequently causing me a lot of trouble. At different times, they can invoke a variety of different senses of shame, self-doubt, depression, fear, etc. And, they’re self-referencing, feeding off themselves and each other, at times making for a serious tidal wave, maelstrom, of internal emotional turmoil, some of which gets so bad as to effect my consciousness mind and body, but most of which just roils below the surface, still affecting me, but in ways I don’t obviously recognize….

Something like this. It’s complicated, dynamic, and deeply emotional—so, it’s _very_ hard to understand with critical, conscious reason. It’s easier to feel, and easier to “understand” (sense) using an emotional sensitivity, an awareness, an openness.